A Letter From a Teen to Parents Who Stopped Trying to Hear
There is so much choking in my throat, but I have pushed you to the point where my words aren’t welcome anymore, and I’m screaming where you can’t hear me. You think none of this affects me but it does; and I’m not just angry. That;s an outlet for all the pain, fear, guilt, and grief I’ve been drowning in; I’ve had nightmares I’ve been scared to tell you about for weeks where I’m trapped and dying, or those I love are dying and it’s my fault, and I wake up crying. I’m not trying to say ‘Hey, look what I am going through, so there’ I just want to be heard. Being awake is worse because I can’t think for more than 5 minutes without memories of my mothere and being left alone crowd everything else out. I don’t know how to say how terrified I am. Today I got so many compliments of my reading of Antigone in English- it was her ode about how nobody is left to mourn her death, and they all said it sounded like I reallyu was about to cry, and I feel pathetic trying to bring something like that up, or how I felt when I walked into my first class and my desk (from the middle of the room) was gone. But I’m done feeling pathetic, and I feel disgusted when I do. I know I’m not supposed to harbour self-loathing, BUT EVERYTHING I EVER FELT TOWARDS MY MOTHER IS BEING REDIRECTED AT ME, and I’m so scared. I keep feeling guiltier and guiltier and I don’t understand why I keep getting worse. I want so bad to be selfless and not to go numb when it hurts. I know I have to do all the work. I’m dying for you to believe me when I say ‘I love you’ or even when I say ‘I’m sorry’. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to talk about what I’ve been going through these past few weeks, and I’m not trying to use it as an excuse. I think I’m just ashamed to admit how badly I’m struggling because I belive you’re right; it’s not as hard as I make it. I’m dying to reach out; I don’t know what I expect you to say. I’ve tried hard to ‘accept how I’m feeling’ or ‘envision happy alternatives’ or meditate but it keeps getting worse. I’m trying so hard to turn I can’t into I can. I did 30 pushups on my knees yesterday. Please don’t lose hope in me.
{written to my parents/~2014/15}
